


GUILT.

by bledstars



Series: ERROR 606 [6]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief, Guilt, Named MC, One Sided Love, it's been one year since i last updated this series...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23569399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bledstars/pseuds/bledstars
Summary: Maybe he was acting like a child, maybe he was simply acting this way because like a child who lost his favorite toy to someone else, he was reacting to the idea of not having something. Would that make him such an awful man? Would admitting that ever make this feeling, this wretched feeling clawing in his chest, taking away each breath, squeezing it until he felt nothing, go away?  “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” He quoted as he tilted his head back and looked up into his ceiling. His breath trembled as he exhaled. It could not be some childish feeling, it could not be simply jealousy. This feeling that twisted and mangled his emotions, his thoughts, his actions, it could not just be some childish feeling! He refused to believe that.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character, Han Jumin/Main Character
Series: ERROR 606 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1026585
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	GUILT.

**Three AM Guilt.** That was what he felt as he sat alone in his big empty apartment, Elizabeth the third sleeping soundly on the couch. That’s what he felt the day before her funeral and he couldn’t sleep. 

It was a terrible feeling that sat in the pit of his stomach.

To feel like you’ve done something terribly wrong. To feel as if you didn’t do all that you could have. To feel as if there was some sort of crime or punishable offense that he must have committed because that would explain it. It would explain that chaos that was his life. 

At first he assumed it was because of his father. His father with his infidelity and wandering eye. His father who had been the reason why he was wary to let any woman into his life because he had seen so many women just creep into his life for the power, the wealth, the name that was Jumin Han. They didn’t want him, they didn’t love him. They loved the life he could have given them, they loved the idea of him. But never him.

Every woman he had known had wanted something from him. They wanted his undivided attention because that would open the door to so much for them. If they were a model, dating a CEO like him, well that was the dream. If they wanted a designer bag, he could buy them an entire store. He felt like the only women that he attracted in his life were always wanted something from him.And while he thought of Ms. Kang, she was first and foremost an employee. That changed the degree in which they interacted. He was her paycheck, her boss, her employment. She was never a woman in his life, she was his assistant and then his friend. She was never a woman in his life, he was his friend, his assistant, a fellow member of the RFA. 

So, he believed himself to be cursed. A punishment suited for someone who had everything.

Well, almost everything. If he had everything he would be able to say that he had love. He had the love of a woman that was never looked at him for anything. The love of a woman who never once asked him for a favor, or batted her eyes to buy her something. On the contrary, she never expected anything from him. Not even his affection.

**Because she was Mina.**

Mina, who did not care who he was, she treated him the same as everyone else. Which at first had caught him off guard, and Jumin Han was hardly surprised. After all, he hated surprises. So, much so that he had his private investigator look into her life because while Luciel may not endanger the RFA, he still kept enough secrets to keep Jumin on edge. But in the end, the investigation was waste of time and money. He didn’t need to do it, for she was an open book, not coming into the RFA to destroy it or to invade into their lives. Simply a stranger that stumbled into their world. 

He had learned of her future plans ,all the things she did before. She seemed like someone he never would have met, or interacted with if it wasn’t for that fateful day when she entered into Rika’s old apartment. She was completely ordinary, someone who worked hard to get to where she was. A normal family dynamic, parents that loved her, siblings that adored her, her life would never have been anything but ordinary if she didn’t receive that cellphone. She would have carried on with her life, not knowing a thing about the RFA outside of the articles. Maybe he would have passed her by on the street, him in his chauffeured town car while she waited for the bus. Maybe when she became doctor, he would greet her for a check up, but he would have not known who she was, nor would have come to care for her so dearly as he did. 

It wasn’t until he got to her know her, listen to her voice, the laughter that brought a smile to his lips, did he realize that how desperately he _needed_ her. Needed her in his life, needed her to be safe, how he grew anxious when she didn’t pick up her phone or when she said she still had not eaten yet. How he looked forward to her entering the chatroom, to the point where it distracted him from the mundane work that he felt like he was doing. She had become a beacon of light and hope in his dull and dark world. 

She was an angel. Someone that saved him when he didn’t realize he needed saving. She was the one that reminded him what being human felt like. How everything wasn’t just numbers and how to grow his empire. She was a reminder that there were things that money couldn’t buy and that was okay. 

He poured the remainder of the bottle into the glass in front of him. Staring at the crimson shade of the wine as he stirred the glass from the base. He watched the way the oils of the wine glazed the crystal and saw the way drops would slide down the edges. 

** ~ **

_“I hate wine.”_ She spoke with a huff. He recalled the way she scrunched up her face as she took another sip. How that brought a soft smile to his lips, how did she do that? How was she so cute without even trying. She was clumsy, unrefined to the world of the wealthy and privilege and yet as she stood there in the red dress looking more in place than any of the other women that always clung to his side. “Hardly gets me drunk, and always leaves me with a bad headache.” 

“It is an acquired taste.” He said deeply before taking in the aroma of the drink before taking slow sip. “You don’t drink to get drunk. You drink to enjoy.” 

“I enjoy getting drunk.” She said with a cheeky grin, her cheeks red from the alcohol before she stared up at the ceiling of the ballroom. Dancing to the music ringing in the hall, eyes closing as she swayed back and forth. “A lack of inhibition, pure want, liquid courage. It’s like magic.” There was a sparkle in her eyes as she looked at him. Full of a light that he never had the courage to take for himself. 

Maybe that was what attracted him to her in the first place, that look in her eyes, the lift in her voice, the way she lived life not on anyone’s schedule but her own. Not everything was timed for every hour, every minute, every second. The opposite of his life, a life full of meetings, of obligations, of chores that never ceased to end. 

But she was never a chore, talking to her, making a phone call to her randomly just to hear her voice. To join the chatroom on the off chance that she’d be there and make him smile for the first time all day. She was a symbol of everything he wanted, a life worth living. 

~

Jumin never wanted anything more than he wanted her. But he had come to that understanding too slowly. And in the end, she chose someone else, she chose someone that was even colder than he was. She chose someone that was even harder to approach. He had half-wondered if that was why she fell for the hacker, or if it was something else that he could not truly comprehend. 

He didn’t understand it. Maybe it was his pride talking, but was he not a more suitable choice? Someone who was a bit more calm, more understanding. Someone that would be able to protect her and give her everything she could ever want. Wasn’t he always everyone’s first choice?  


If she wanted a hospital, he could have built one for her. If she wanted to go help the children in Africa, he would have a team of doctors at her disposal. He could have made her life goals something that were easier to accomplish, something that were in her grasp if she only took his hand. She could have had everything she ever wanted, and yet—it wasn’t what she wanted. 

Because that wouldn’t be by her own rights, her own talents, her own skills. That would just be money pushing the world around and that wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted to showcase her skills, she wanted to be the one to make those steps without the help of a benefactor. She didn’t want his help, not like that. She wanted to be a teammate, not someone to be doted on. She wanted to be an equal, never subordinate to the person she loved. She wanted Saeyoung. 

And she loved Luciel. She loved him in a way that he never saw anyone love before. He had never seen that sort of pure love and adoration in any of his father’s girlfriends, not even between V and Rika. There was something else, as if they were two halves becoming whole. He didn’t believe in soulmates and true love until he saw the way Saeyoung looked at Mina and how she looked back at him. 

There was something that sparked in the golden eyes of the hacker when he held her hand and kissed her knuckles. There was something so soft and endearing by the way she smiled at him, as if everything was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong as long as he held her. The way she giggled and laughed was music to Jumin’s ears, but they were not for him. He could never make her happy like that. And didn’t he want her to be happy? Wasn’t Mina’s happiness something all of them wanted? 

That didn’t stop the bitter taste in his mouth. After all they did say jealousy was an ugly emotion. Something that eats at your heart, for every blissful second he had, a reminder that it wasn’t him. She didn’t choose him. She didn’t want him. She didn’t love him. And at first that made him bitter, it made him angry, it upset him when he came to the realization that he was not good enough for her. His own pride taking hold of his heart, his own pride blinding him at times and how he wanted to steal her away. To hide her away and keep her away from everyone else. To treasure her and to have her all his.

Wasn’t he a far better choice than Saeyoung who had more drama and hidden secrets than anyone knew. From his twin brother, who had basically kidnapped and put Mina in danger in RIka’s apartment, something Jumin had yet to fully forgive. To the reasoning why the hacker had changed his name and joined a dangerous agency, all in order to protect his twin and hide from his father. Speaking of said father, Jumin had the pleasure of meeting the politician and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. 

Mr. Choi was far from kind. On the contrary, he feared for Mina if she ever chose to enter that family. He knew that his own family was not the best out there either, but at least he could protect her in ways that Saeyoung couldn’t. He could shield her from the world and only have her look at beautiful things. He could protect her from the harm that was always part of her future. He would create a castle so that she would never want for anything, she could feel safe and he would have treasured her properly. Keeping her from harm’s way. 

~

“Does he make you happy?” He recalled asking her once when they were celebrating Yoosung’s birthday at the Choi Brother’s bunker. She was preparing more snacks as the other were watching Yoosung, Zen, Saeyoung, and Saeran playing Mario Kart and the loud laughter that rang. 

“Hmn?” lifting her head, she looked at Jumin who looked so out of place here and yet came for his friends. “What do you mean by that?” 

“Does Luciel make you happy?” 

The gentle smile shifted into a frown on her face and could feel a chill run down his spine. Before closing the back of chips and setting them aside. “I don’t know what you’re implying, maybe I do. Maybe I am choosing to ignore the connotation of your question, but to put it simply, he makes me the happiest I’ve ever felt. He makes me feel loved in a way and fills me with so much joy that when I wake up in the morning for my shift at the hospital, I’m not tired. I am happiest when I am with him.” Grabbing the bowl of chips from the counter before going towards Saeyoung’s side, the smile coming back to her lips as he gave her a short kiss. 

“You have no right.” Turning around he saw Jaehee staring at him with a frown.  


“I didn’t do anything, I simply asked a question, Secretary—“ 

“I am no longer your secretary. I am no longer your employee so I can be honest with my opinions, Mr. Han.” Her tone was sharp, her gaze even sharper as she set down her glass on the counter. “You’re not the only one that loved her. You’re not the only one that still loves her. But she chose Luciel. She chose him and loves him with her whole heart and for you to come in to put thoughts in her head. To try to— You have no right.” 

~

He shut his eyes as he tried to forget the look in Jaehee’s eyes as she reprimanded him. He knew she was right. Who was he to her that he could ask such an intrusive question, a foolish question. A selfish question as if she would say no, as if her actions did not show how deeply she loved Luciel. She loved him and he desperately wanted that. 

Maybe he was acting like a child, maybe he was simply acting this way because like a child who lost his favorite toy to someone else, he was reacting to the idea of not having something. Would that make him such an awful man? Would admitting that ever make this feeling, this wretched feeling clawing in his chest, taking away each breath, squeezing it until he felt nothing, go away?“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” He quoted as he tilted his head back and looked up into his ceiling. His breath trembled as he exhaled. It could not be some childish feeling, it could not be simply jealousy. This feeling that twisted and mangled his emotions, his thoughts, his actions, it could not just be some childish feeling! He refused to believe that.

It did not hurt this much when Rika chose Jihyun over him. When he loved the same woman as his best friend and she did not choose him. When that happened, he simply shrugged it off, he would rather have his friends than pursue something that could make him lose everything. He did not get to where he was with just his father’s money. No, he grew his father’s legacy into something bigger, he was the one that built C&R to where it was not through emotional entanglements but rather through proper risk evaluations. 

He would not gamble away everything he worked for, his life work, for something as fickle as a woman’ attention and affection. He had seen the woman that surrounded his father, he had seen the woman that fawned over him. No, it would not hurt this much if Mina was simply one of those women, if Mina was someone that he could simply not have, he would have gotten over it like he did with Rika. No, it was because it was Mina that it drew this ugly emotion out of him. It was because it was Mina, that he felt his own guilt, his own jealousy, his own pride choke at him. 

Yes, he built C&R. Yes, he was considered one of the most eligible bachelors in Korea. Yes, he was Jumin Han. But she did not want that. She did not want him. She could care less about all those things. 

And maybe that made him want her even more. Maybe that made her more desirable. But it didn’t matter. Luciel was the one that got lucky, the one that got to enjoy the fact that she loved him and only him. He was the one that she chose and he had to be okay with that. He had to live with that and live with this agonizing pain in his head as he have to wonder if she had chosen him, would she have been safe? Would she still be alive, happy, and with him?

~

“Mina.” After their last conversation, he didn’t think he’d see her so soon. Getting up from his seat behind his desk, he gave her a weak smile. How could she be able to bring down the great Jumin Han to be nothing more than a mere mortal. “How could I help you?” 

“Jumin!” Turning around, he wish he could just take a photo of her. Standing in front of him with that light yellow dress, she was the epitome of sunshine. Her tone was bright, her smile even brighter. He didn’t know how she did it, but there she was holding an envelope of some sort. “I was just going to leave this with your secretary but—“ 

“I told him if anyone from the RFA came, to send to the office immediately. What is that?” He slowly walked over to her, hand extended to take the envelope. 

“Oh! It’s an invitation to our anniversary!” 

“Our anniversary?” What? Had he fallen asleep and dreamt of an alternative world where she chose him, where she was his, where he did not have to live his life wanting someone that would never want him.

“When I first stumbled into Rika’s apartment. It’ll be in two weeks and Saeyoung said it would be a fun way to have a reunion party. Not at her place obviously but at Jaehee’s new cafe. It’ll be fun, just the RFA. I mean minus Rika, but that’s because Yoosung couldn’t get a day pass for her. So clear your schedule Mr. CEO. It’s been a while since we all last hung out.” 

“I would lov—“ he paused before sighing and looking down. “But first,I must apologize for what I said. I’m sorry for the other night. Of what I said, I was drunk and—“  
  
“It’s okay, Jumin. It’s not a big deal. I know you meant no harm in it. After all, you treasure your friends the most and Saeyoung is also your friend. Just like me. You’d do anything for your friends and I’m sure that’s what you meant. You knew that we were looking for a new place, a safe new place and you just wanted to make sure that it wasn’t too hard for us. You just want us to be happy, right?” 

She made up an entire scenario, an excuse for him. So he wouldn’t look like an asshole coveting his friend’s girlfriend. She gave him an out, a solution to the problem that he was facing. How could he ever face her again after he made her so upset? She found a solution, she solved it, and gave it to him with a smile. And there was an innocence in her question, he could ruin everything all over again if he told the truth. If he told her that no, she was wrong. He did care for Luciel as a friend, but he cared for her even more. But maybe this time, he’ll lie to her. To preserve this, to preserve that smile. “Yeah, of course.” Maybe just this time, he’ll give her a lie and protect his heart. 

Turning over her wrist, she looked at the dainty watch on her wrist before gasping. “Oh shoot! I have to grab some practice exams for Yoosung from my apartment before I meet up with Jaehee. I’ll talk to you soon!” And with a big smile on her lips and a wave, she left.

And that was the day he lost her. He lost her with the image of her in her light yellow dress, waving at him with a smile, not knowing that this was the last time. Maybe if he held her for a few minutes longer, then she wouldn't have entered her apartment.Maybe if he told her a lie and she fought with him, got angry with him, she would have went to Luciel’s and she would still be with him. Maybe if he had more courage, he would have told her that he loved her instead of lying to her.

~

“Jumin Hyung…Please don’t tell me you’re giving up.” The voice was an echo of the man he used to know. Deprived of the mischievous playfulness that usually coated his voice, the man in front of him was a tired, worn-out, grieving man that lost so much in such a short amount of time. “Please….”

“Luciel.” His tone was stern as he he swallowed slowly, the heals of his dress shoes in the almost empty halls of the hacker’s home. It was the day of the funeral and his job was to get the hacker to the funeral. His brother would meet up with them at the funeral home. He must have helped dress Saeyoung into the suit. Maybe it was his own cruel punishment as he helped the man who lost the love of both of their lives. 

“I know…I know…I know because every logical piece of me, every practical, rational part of me is telling me she’s gone. That I should put on a brave face and let her go rest in peace.” His face contorting into a grieve that Jumin could only witness and never feel. Of a man who had felt love, knew love, had love, only to have it ripped from his hands. As Luciel clenched his dress shirt tightly, and let out a choked sob and bent over as if he was being kicked in the stomach. “I just don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe that she’s gone. That she’s—it’s like she never existed. We don’t even—All we have is an empty box. No ashes to put into the ocean, god she loved the ocean. All we have is a glass case with her picture, an urn with nothing in it, and a few things we thought.” His hand rising up to wipe the tears that he thought were long gone from behind his glasses.  


“She wouldn’t have—“ 

“SHUT UP!” He screamed as he looked up, devastated would be putting it lightly. No, the expression that was on Luciel’s face was something he could not put into words. All he could do was look at the red head who simply would not hear anymore of the same words. **She wouldn’t have wanted this.** Would he have taken this words lightly if he was in Luciel’s shoes? No, he would have been even more enraged. How dare they try to comfort him? How could they ever understand. “This doesn’t make sense! She lived in a safe building! We both knew that! We both double checked to make sure it was a normal boring building! They don’t even know the source of the blast! Was it a bomb? Was it a leak? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!” He could understand the frustration, to not know anything, to have no answers, to only have a cold case that would never be solved. “

“I know…”What he could he say when he understood so well what this man was feeling. Did he not pool in every resource he had to find even the smallest of answers. 

“I once told her that the safest thing to do is to date a boring guy and have a boring life where nothing happens. And she still chose me. Like an idiot she chose me! The most dangerous man she could possibly choose, she still chose me. Even after I tried to push her away, told her that Zen, Yoosung, even you! And she held my face and told me—it was me. She just wanted me. She loved me. She—” He let out another scream of agony as his hand trembled against his chest as he punched at it. Maybe if he hit hard enough, maybe if he did enough, he’d have her back. “I would do anything..pay any price to…”

“We need to say goodbye…She deserves that much.” 

“She deserves answers.” His voice rough and harsh around the edges from all the screaming and yelling. 

“She deserves to rest. Her parents deserves to say their last goodbyes. We are—We are being selfish when we hold onto her like this.” 

“I want to be selfish. I want to be evil. I want to be—I just want her back, Jumin hyung. I just want Mina back.”

“We all do.”

~

It was now his turn, and with the man that can get anything, give her anything, he felt at a loss when he was given this assignment. What could he possibly give her now? He couldn’t bring her back. He couldn’t even find her body. He couldn’t make her happy. He couldn’t do anything, not with all the money he had, not with all the power he had. He couldn’t do anything for her even now, he couldn’t. 

Turning the envelope in his hand over and over again before he placed it in the capsule. It was a new medical foundation in her name. It would help people who could not financially pay for a surgery, it would be a program to provide aide to those that could not afford to do so. It had already been put into motion at the hospital where she worked at. Even in death, he would make sure that she would always be remembered for who she was. Someone who was made of pure sunshine and goodness. Someone who wanted nothing more than to help people. Who did not see the value of money and only saw the person for who they were. An angel, that would never cease tohelp others. 

“There’s a little boy named Changmin. He’s seven years old…he needed heart surgery and…his parents are really thankful and—“he felt the words being choked up as he spoke to a void that he knew was the only way for him to say goodbye to the first, the only, and last woman he’d ever love. “You can rest easy…I promise I’ll look out for the rest of them…I’ll make sure they are all happy. So, don’t worry. Like you said—I’ll do anything for my friends.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh man...it's been really a year since I last updated this story! I'm so sorry for the wait. With work being super crazy the last year, to writers block, and just..it's hard to write sometimes for MYSME because the fandom isn't as active as it once was. And sometimes I wonder if anyone is still reading this. But I do want to finish because i have actually several unfinished works just for this series! So hopefully i'll be able to put it together and just keep updating this fic? I have a few sad ones, a few fluffy sweet ones, and yeah! I do hope you are still out there reading this! 
> 
> I also have a twitter! Right now, I just retweet pretty fanart that I get inspired by. There is a lot of fire emblem and hopefully it becomes a place where you can talk to me, request fic ideas. I do want to be more active in writing on here! You can follow me @bledstars !
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope it was worth the super long wait!


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